I have, on many occasions, been completely consumed by an emotion, such as anxiety, to the point that I cannot function as I am required to. As I mentioned in my last post, I had trouble explaining my own self in front of a group of completely supportive women at the red tent circle a few weeks ago. I want to be able to let go of the somatic responses that come along with that fear - the tightness in my chest, the heat that rises from the pit of my stomach all the way to the top of my head, the sweaty palms. I spoke with my counselor, Brooke, about this during our session the following week and she used it as a time to practice almost reliving that environment. To start, I had to imagine myself in the environment where the fear set in and list all of the feelings, positive and negative, that arose.
For the positive, the excitement to participate in a group that fully supports all of the values I have come to associate with over this past year, I spoke to the imaginary group to share, without the nuisance of the negative emotions speaking their obnoxious viewpoints. As I spoke, I didn't have too much hesitation with the words coming out of my mouth and I didn't have problems breathing. Brooke asked me how it felt and I paused and then said, "Comfortable". Wow, I can't say that is a word that escapes my mouth very often. Why was it comfortable? Because it was my truth! I have come to realize how far I was from living my truth. I still have plenty of work to put into this focus, but my life has been all sorts of amazing since I found this part of me that was hiding for years.
For the negative, I chose the very general word, "Nervous". Instead of speaking like I, Fiona, was speaking in the state of feeling nervous, I spoke as if I was "Nervous", the human form of the emotion nervousness. As Nervous spoke to Fiona, Fiona's chest got tight, her face felt warm, and her palms got sweaty. Nervous shared that it will always be there to protect Fiona from embarrassing herself in a new environment so she doesn't risk losing the progress she has made towards the goals she has created.
Here is my message to Nervous: "Nervous, I know that you mean well to protect me against the things that could get in the way of my goals, but I have nothing to fear. When I am my true self, I am safe. I am safe because the only opinion that really matters is my own. And I do not judge my true self because that is what is going to make this world a better place. I know that you will be close by throughout my life and I don't mind the company, but you'll probably be having a conversation with yourself from now on."
Brooke then asked me what I would fill the space that nervousness once occupied with. I chose to keep the space open and allow my breath to easily fill the space that had been overcrowded for years. This place in my chest seems to be where I hold my connection with others and the world around me. I often feel like there is a glowing light shining from my chest when I am fully present and enjoying life. When people around me are sharing their stories in a state of vulnerability, I bring my hand to my chest and almost feel like there is a warm and shining energy flowing between me and that person so I can fully provide my love and support. It is a wonderful thing.
Why is this personification so effective for me? Because it allows me to easily detach from what I have always felt was a part of me but, in reality, is not. Nervousness is not me. Shyness is not me. Perfectionism is not me. They are "the others". I am Fiona. Everyone else is just along for the ride.
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