One of the first major inspirations for me was while listening to an online meditation 101 conference hosted by Ashley Turner. I had an interest in learning about meditation, but it was just one of those things that I hadn't looked much into yet. As you've probably heard and/or experienced, meditation has some pretty amazing benefits that can completely transform your life. However, the benefit that I received had nothing to do with the actual practice of meditation. My spark came from the concept that we can physically change our minds by changing our thoughts. What?? I had motivation in life to try to understand it better, but it was always with the expectation that I would always have to forever battle depression and negative thoughts as they arose. I thought that was just part of ME -- I just had a predisposition to feeling emotional pain and there was no getting around it, but maybe I could manage it.
Tara Brach was one of the individuals interviewed in the conference. What she said truly was the best lesson I've ever gotten in my life, and I'm a little bit obsessed with it and share it with EVERYONE with an interest in gaining control of their lives (and I repeat it multiple times, probably to an obnoxious degree hahaha). She said, in her usual calm and loving voice, "Talk to yourself as if you were talking to your closest friend." Hmm, I'd never thought of that perspective before. I started paying attention to the thoughts that came into my head throughout the day and was actually a bit disturbed imagining what it would be like to say them to people I actually cared about. Why was I not treating myself like someone I loved? I'm a human as well! I deserve the same respect from my own self as everyone else. To not love yourself is kind of a slap in the face to the Universe, right? Right.
I became so motivated by the fact that I could put in a little time into my day to change my thoughts to change my brain to change my life. And that belief came to fruition immediately. One of my biggest struggles has been a fear of people in authority. At work, if I had to ask my boss a question (and I've had some pretty freaking nice bosses), I would sit at my desk for 30 minutes playing out exactly how I would ask my question, what all the possible responses would be, and how I would respond back. This incorporated how I would stay strong with the inevitable question my boss would be asking internally, "What are you such an idiot?" I would spend most of my day worrying instead of doing the work that needed to get done.
After a few days of meditating and actively practicing positive self talk -- "You did SUCH a great job today!" or "Don't worry about it! You know you are capable of great things and that mistake was just a way to learn how to be better." -- I felt a weight lifted. I felt strong with possibilities in sight that I never would have imagined.
Then came my test. The VP of Finance came up to me with a question. My normal response? Panic mode. Heart racing. Loss of hearing. Heat rising into my chest and head. Breathing stops. In the past, he would ask me a question and I would hear words but couldn't comprehend a sentence. I had NO CLUE what he wanted but I would just say I didn't know or wait for some more cues so I could guess some document to email him. But this time, I heard EVERY WORD and understood the entire question. I didn't know the answer, but I knew where to find it. "Oh yes, give me 5 minutes and I'll get you the answer." Whoo! I was on cloud 9. Someone without anxiety would never be able to understand that as a victory, but I sure appreciated it. And that was the beginning of a new life.
Please don't discredit yourself as human. You are just as deserving of this wonderful life as all those around you. Take responsibility for all the love you need to give yourself. Others will follow.
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