I have always been boundary-resistant. I loved that I could call myself "go-with-the-flow" and sign up for some last-minute plans or drop my original plans to help someone out. I had no timelines and my time was your time.
Over and over and over again, I felt the burn from not establishing boundaries. Who needs boundaries with close friends and family? Everyone, that's who. I always felt that since I had free time and someone else could benefit from that time I could offer, I should be lending a hand. I would bust my ass to make an area of struggle for someone disappear. And I would do it on a regular basis. I didn't want praise, but I did want it to be appreciated. I wanted to know that the work I was doing wasn't for nothing and that it was recognized as help. I rarely got that. It usually became expected that I performed my duties and was only noticed when I stopped. I would feel used and upset that someone so close to me wouldn't have respect for the effort I had put in. After some really tough lessons, even lessons I learned after feeling like I had already resolved my boundary issues, I finally got it. I didn't have to wait until my breaking point to be able to tell someone that I couldn't help them to the degree I was helping them. Set boundaries up front, even with your best friends. Make your time valuable to yourself. Don't say "I'm free for as long as you want me to be". Say "I'm available for this time frame and then I'll have to head back home. Do not feel like you have to justify your purpose for leaving. Even if you're going home to sit on the couch to flip through Netflix for the rest of the night, that is what you are deciding you would like to do with your time. That is what you feel will give you the energy to recharge for all that you need to accomplish on a daily basis.
And boundaries are not only around time. They are about what you are willing and able to do for someone. The more you speak about what is important to you, the more you will be able to decipher what boundaries need to be established and when to say YES and when to say NO.
One time, I was at a yoga festival and the instructor had us stand in goddess pose, a very empowering posture. She had us think of a time when we had said yes to something and wished we'd said no. Then she had us yell, "NO!" I could do that. Then she had us think of a time when we had said no to something but wished we'd said yes. Then she had us imagine that scenario and yell, "YES!" I weakly mumbled yes in the midst of the crowd of full-bodied yesses around me. Hmm, why was it so much harder to claim a yes than a no?
I thought about that a lot throughout and after the festival. It's much easier to resist a part of life that you don't want than it is to dive into a life that you may be unsure of. We must use our boundaries as an establishment of the direction we want to move in our lives. Anything that will be a deterrent of our values should be avoided in order to allow for the confident yesses to break through.
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